I am incredibly guilty of having moments where things that I know are happening suddenly become very very real. Unlike last time, though, I can’t put this one off. The last time I had one of these moments was when Kurt asked me about a lamp and I realized that I would be moving in with him. Now we aren’t moving in together, but this time I can’t put my new “lamp” off.
Graduation Countdown has begun. I have less than 50 days until I am no longer a college student, and I would be lying if I said the honestly excited and put together person that you see on camera, social media, and even here on this blog isn’t freaking out on the inside and worrying about what her life is going to become after college.
It’s really scary, no matter how much fun I’m having looking at apartments and things I still don’t have a professional job and although I know I’ll eventually get there I’m not there right now and it bothers me. I know that it’s my own fault though, because I’ve been helping Kurt with finding a job and working too much at my current job at the moment to be able to really put the effort into looking for a job. I’m trying to do better now, but it’s scary and makes me nervous.
On the upside I’ll pry be making more than I thought that I would six months ago, so that’s reassuring and knowing that I’m able to extend my rent budget enough to actually get a nice apartment that I really want.
So now I’m working very hard on when I get scared just push through it and focus on what I need to do. Pushing through my anxiety and depression is one of the hardest things that I do on a daily basis, and while pushing myself is letting me grow a little bit and pushes me to work harder I’m having more bad days where I need to really take a step back and make sure that I’m ok or where I can’t even get out of bed. These scare me too, but I’m finding that having classes, tackling small challenges on those days, and having something to do is really helpful and keeps me on the right track.
What I hate about times like this is that I realize how weak I really am, and I hate it. I want to be stronger, to not have depression or anxiety, and not be able to tackle my challenges head on. Although these goals won’t be met all of the time I’m doing my best to work more actively towards achieving these goals more often and trying my best.
This post was really rambling, but I really just wanted to be real with those of you who read this. I recently checked and I’m amazed to see that this blog has 37 followers, and having started this blog as an assignment a year and a half ago I never knew that I would still be writing this today. I hadn’t checked my stats for a long time, and after checking them yesterday I’m amazed at how far this blog has come and I’m so happy that I was crying yesterday.
Thank you, all of you, who read and follow this blog.
I hope that you continue to follow me on this journey, because there are some very fun things coming up in the future and I want you all to be part of it.
See you soon,